So, fetish wasn’t the correct word to use. A fetish is when you can’t get off without some inanimate object that become sexualized and linked to your desire. I don’t have a fetish, I read incest porn to get off. It’s weird seeing it in print. It’s sort of a nauseating relief to have it out there. Seriously, I feel a little lighter now that I’ve owned up to it. I also feel like I’m going to throw up so….

Really it’s taboo, but if you google it the number of hits is astronomical. I can’t google it as I’m at work. I wonder if my stepfather hadn’t tried to seduce me if I would feel as squicked out by it as I do. Whatever, my main concern is that it’s just one of those things that makes me feel less good about myself. Yeah, it’s that dirty little secret that I’m ashamed of. (I can tell the internet, but I couldn’t tell my therapist). But I think very few people read this, if anyone. I’m not sure if it’s because I feel safe saying it here, or this is the least dangerous path to let it out. Really, what will the people in my life say? (Other than Nicole, whom I adore, not just because she reminds that no one is "normal" and I'm not completely screwed up).

I’m awkward in social settings. This connects to the “what will people say” thought from earlier; it’ll just take a bit to circle back. I’m shy and I spend too much time alone – which is all too evident when I do venture out, which makes me less like to keep trying. A friend stayed with me for a week while he looked for an apartment. One night we hung out with some other friends of his who moved to Portland last summer. Most of the conversation was them talking about mutual friends and Santa Barbara (where they all used to live). I’m totally fine with sitting back and listening to the conversation. When Leslie turns to me and says something along the lines of “tell us about you” I turn spastic with my words. Usually you say something about your job, hobbies, spouse, and what have you. Me? “I used to be a lesbian for 10 years.” I have just met these people. I really know nothing about them – except Brian knows them, Brian’s cool and they seem nice, but still. It’s one of those situations where everything goes silent and no one knows what to say after that; and I caused it, that’s what I do. Maybe that should be my hobby. I know it’s kept me awake enough to be a job.

So circle back. In the process of learning to deal with my issues (part of which is just saying “hey this happened” instead of pretending it didn’t) I have become a little uncomfortably honest for some people. Everyone has issues of some sort. Mine is that my stepfather came onto me when I was 14, my father was never a part of my life and I spent years scared of men, in the process thinking I was a lesbian for 10 years. Phew. Someday it might not seem so much of what shaped me, instead turning into just a footnote of my past. Anyday now brain… So, blunt, and to the point. Yes. That’s one thing. Sure I need to talk about the porn thing but frankly sex makes people so uncomfortable, and I don’t have very many people I can talk about something like this with. That and porn isn't quite the correct word. I'm not watching something - I'm reading it, but erotica isn't the right word. Smut? That seems to dirty and doesn't feel right. Ah criminy.

I'm back at work and I still feel like crap. My ears crackle every time I swallow. Maybe I'll be really lucky and follow this up with another sinus infection! Woohoo. On the upside? I haven't gotten the flu (I've knocked on wood and crossed my fingers).

And now a little humor to leave you with...

more animals

I hate hate hate being sick. I'm bored out of my freaking mind and I can't do anything because I barely have the energy to get off my couch. My house is a disgusting mess and I don't even have the energy to care. I keep looking at my list of things to do and putting it down to watch more tv. I am so sick of sudoku puzzles and solitaire. I don't want to play computer games because the ones I play tend to make me hallucinate. I've actually looked it up - it's called the Tetris Effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tetris_effect). I've finished all the interesting books I have checked out and I can't think well enough to read the books on Parkinson's I have.

Although I did watch Ghost of Mars. This isn't interesting because it's a good movie (believe me it's not) but because I spend the whole time thinking about Joss Whedon and the Reavers from Firefly/Serenity. When I tried to search the web for other people thinking this also I only found references to Mad Max. Do I believe in Martians? Sure, why not. Do I believe they are some freaky self-mutilating crazy zombie race? No. Ice Cube is good at mindless, bulky guy action movies. Other than that I have a hard time taking him seriously. There was one part when it surprised me so much I almost dropped the laptop. I even knew it was one of those moments but I couldn't look away. I hate those moments in movies. I also missed the part where everyone but Ice Cube and Natasha Henstridge died. Oh well. But they were smiling and laughing when they said goodbye. And then it's all for naught because I think the creepy Martians attack the city in the end.

I think my brain is melting. I need another popsicle.

It wasn't enough that I got a cold and a sinus infection in January, I have to get strep also. I rarely sick. Like full on sick. I have days where I feel like crap and take a day off to regroup and rest, but this year I've gotten sick three times in less than two months. This sucks.

The sore throat wouldn't bother me so much except that every time I swallow I feel someone just stuck sharp chopsticks in my ears. The only thing that makes me feel better is popsicles. Maybe I should stick popsicles in my ears.

Some may say I have low self-esteem.

I think I'm just realistic. I see myself in the mirror every day. I know what I look like. I have bad skin, a crooked nose, a lazy eye when I smile. Seriously all I need is a snaggle tooth and I'd be set.

Then again, I know that I'm not just the sum of my parts. I'm cute in my own little way. I'm funny once you get to know me and I feel comfortable around you. But I'm shy so it can be hard to get to know me. And I have issues.

Everyone has issues but sometimes I think mine control me. Basically when it comes to guys I'm fucked-up and I'm a fuck up. I always do things that end up making me feel like shit about myself. I'm not repulsive, just a little strange. This is why I spend so much time by myself. Because when I do something different - it doesn't end well.

And really, if you're going to spend two days talking about all the girls you've hooked up with, don't turn around and tell me that you don't like to have sex unless you're in a relationship. I'm not pretty, I'm not skinny, I get it. I'm a friend, I'm always a friend.

I realized today, apropos of nothing, that I'm over the carpenter boy. I still think he's cute and I'll probably always wonder, but it's no longer the crush that won't die.

As for my issues, for the most part I've dealt with them. My past will always be what made me. I will think about it at the worst possible moment, but it's not something that I'm trying to pretend didn't happen anymore. There is one thing that I haven't had the courage to admit to anyone ever, even my therapist because I'm so worried that it will be the one thing that sort of proves that I'm always going to be screwed up. While logically I know that fetishes are totally normal (and mine is freaking common according the internet) it still makes me feel all sorts of screwed up. Does it have anything to do with my past? Well, I can't separate my past from my mind (believe me, I've tried) so I can't entirely answer that question. Do I feel like it broke me so I'm this way? Yes. Like a broken bone that didn't set properly so it's always twinge-ing. Obnoxious and irritating.

I had the plan to go take pictures today. Along with all the other stuff I wanted to do - stretch, exercise, get groceries, clean my house, hang out with the cat, check in on all the net stuff...
So no pictures today - since I'm going to be relatively housebound (except for groceries) I have decided to upload some already taken pictures to flickr. One thing I really like taking pictures of is graffiti. So I have a direction: some of my favorite pictures of graffiti.



I'm looking forward to taking pictures when I go to Michigan and Florida this spring. I also want to go to the zoo one of these days but I decided that a school-closing federal holiday was not the right day...



For more check here http://flickr.com/photos/crankpot/

*According to BrainyQuote.com that quote is attributed to Francesca da Rimini. According to wikipedia Francesca da Rimini was an Italian noble who lived from 1255 to 1285. Something here is amiss...

I hate when I lose things in my apartment. Because I lose them in weird ways. I just made some Baklava Bites and I used cinnamon. In my cleanup I noticed that the shaker part of the lid was still on the counter. I picked it up to put it back on and I couldn't find the cinnamon. When I cook my little kitchen can get super cluttered. So I cleaned everything and I still can't find the cinnamon jar. Anywhere. I have checked everywhere and I can't find the damn jar anywhere. I opened every cabinet, I even looked in the fridge and freezer. I live in a studio apartment. I can see everything from almost everywhere in the apartment. It's like the cinnamon just up and disappeared. I know I'm going to find that stupid jar in some weird place but it's frustrating that I can't find it now.

I had to sit down so I would stop looking for it.

I made all these resolutions this year, most of which I stuck to pretty well they first week of the year. What I didn't count on was spending the whole next week sick. At least it's not strep. Or an ear infection. I was prone to both regularly when I was little. Maybe it was from having tubes put in my ears when I was 2 (I was 80% deaf when I was born) or from being born almost a month early. Either way, i'm a horrible sick person. I'm whiny, grumpy and no fun. I'd enjoy the downtime if I didn't feel like I was drowning in my own snot and have absolutely no energy. My sore throat is almost gone but still being plied with popsicles. Popsicles, Spicy Hot V-8, and some tea. Now I'm left with a bit of a cough and a nose full of snot.

My Michigan/Florida plans are almost finalized. I'm going to take care of my grandfather for two weeks in Florida. He has Parkinson's Disease (like Michael J. Fox, only not early onset and at an advanced stage). I am flying to Michigan, learning the whole process for a few days, flying down to Florida with him, hanging out for two weeks, closing up the house for the summer, flying back to Michigan, seeing family for a few days and flying back to Portland. This whole adventure is three weeks total. Should be interesting. Now, what to do about the cat? I can't afford a cat sitter, most of my friends have cats, boarding is also expensive (and horrible). I need someone who doesn't have pets and either wants a cat for three weeks or wants to stay in my nice warm studio apartment for three weeks. She's a sweet cat, likes being petted (when she's done she'll tell you), sleeps on the bed with you and still does her crazy cat runaround sometimes. My apartment is downtown, has a small gym, is warm and quiet (except for the trains – you get used to them). Any takers? Know anyone who might be interested? I'm going to be gone March 29-April 18. I'll be spending the first birthday since I was 7 in Michigan. Weird. I have lots of feelings about this trip, but not much trepidation. I think it will be fine. My biggest worry is understanding my grandfather. The disease has made it really difficult to understand when he talks. He needs help with everything like bathing and dressing. No big deal. He needs his food cut up really small. What am I going to make? I'm not a very good cook. I'm really bad at having multiple items getting done at the same time. Other than that it's keeping the house clean, making sure that Grandpa doesn't need anything, watching tv with him, going to the beach, driving him to his “exercise” class and driving him to the bar once a day. I'm going to knit, take pictures, read books, and just hang out.



See, she's a cutie. You know you want to spend 3 weeks with her...

I figured that having all this time off would be great and I'd get all sorts of stuff done. But I'm not getting as much done as I thought and I'm starting to get a little bored.



I was actually pretty social today. Sinead came over and we watched movies all day. The library has been closed since Saturday because of the snow. I haven't worked since Thursday. On Friday I got groceries, other than that I've been a homebody. It's cold and snowy. I'm not a fan of winter. I was supposed to go to Florida this March to help take care of my grandfather but then I found out that I would have been needed for two full weeks and I don't have enough vacation time to give up. Suck. Since Friday I went to the office to pick up a package, and I went out for breakfast on Monday. Today I spent most of the day with Sinead, we had lunch in Chinatown and watched movies. We watched Better Than Chocolate, an episode of the Nancy Drew tv show, Mixed Nuts and Pretty in Pink. As much I love Pretty in Pink, I realized that the best dressed person in the whole movie is Duckie. Or Iona. The clothes that Molly Ringwald wears are horrible. The dress she makes for the prom is atrocious.

I want to thank all those who went before me. Without you I wouldn't have been able to walk anywhere today. As it was, I was trudging more than walking.

I think that The Cleaner is my new favorite show. Unfortunately I don't have cable so I'm watching it on the computer that someone burned from Japanese television. Or Chinese, I can't tell. Everything is normal except the subtitles, which I can ignore. I don't even like Benjamin Bratt all that much, but I really like him in this role. Of course it's more time watching tv and it's in front of the computer...

I finally left my house today. After three days I needed to get out and I wanted pancakes. Pancakes that someone else made. (Among the food I bought for Christmas I have champagne. o.j., blueberries and pancake mix [the kind in the bisquik container that you shake and pour]). I also have all the chocolate and cookies that I bought to take into work for the 4 days I worked before Christmas. Now I might work one day (Tuesday) and even that's up in the air. That's why I haven't left my house since Friday. Mainly I didn't need to, I don't like the cold and all of my Christmas shopping and shipping is done. Wahoo! So I called Fuller's Coffee Shop and they were open, yay!

I took some pictures while walking around which was all good until I kneeled down to get a shot and rested my butt on my snowy boot.

I also finally identified the berries near my apartment building. I've been fascinated by these berries since I moved in. Mainly because they look fake, like someone put them on the tree for fun. They also look like rubber, which oddly makes me want to put them in my mouth. I have no idea what that means. They look like they'd taste like chewing on a balloon. However, now that I know they are yew berries (go google!) I also know that they are poisonous. One mystery solved. Why I want to chew on a balloon is a whole other mystery...

So, I've calmed down over my last post. I get explosively angry sometimes but I don't let it out. It's a combination of it not being appropriate, of not knowing how to honestly, calmly and health-ily (so not a word) express my anger. So I either keep it inside until I explode in other ways (usually tears). It's true I don't know how to deal with my feelings. So I keep them inside. I allow myself to have them now (more on that later) but I don't share them. I have some trust issues (among the other issues...).

Basically I've been in therapy off and on and I've dealt with the big stuff that's happened but I think I'm just know dealing with all the stuff that comes after that. However I'm not in therapy currently so I'm dealing with most of it on my own. I think that's okay, partly because I'm allowing myself my feelings and issues and partly because I've found a good mix with antidepressants and sleeping pills that are keeping me on an even keel.

**I used to deny my feelings, at least the bad ones I wasn't ready to deal with. I have actually said to myself "If I pretend it's not a real feeling it won't hurt me." I told myself that for years. Starting when I was 14 and my stepfather came onto me. Talk about needing to deal with something. My mother asked if I wanted therapy and I refused. Looking back (with 15 years past) I think it shouldn't have been a choice. I think I should have put in therapy. Since it was a choice and I had no frame of reference for what happened (mainly since I wasn't molested I figured that nothing had happened and I wasn't going to be affected by it). HA! Since I wasn't sexually assaulted, I wasn't molested but what was I? On top of not having any male influences in my life (my father has never made an effort to be in my life) I don't have any idea of how to deal with men. How to talk to them, how to be friends with them, how to be in a relationship with them. Now, I'm not saying this is anyone's fault (well except for the stepfather thing - that's his fault) but it is something that I have to deal with. But how? Obviously thinking that I was a lesbian for years wasn't the way to get over it.

This is so not what I planning on writing about when I started but hey!

So, anger and feelings. I get angry, sometimes easily, I hold grudges, I try not to play the martyr but sometimes it happens. I love my mother but she's got the some of the same issues. When my mother would get angry I would just stop. My only goal at that point was to get out of the situation. So I learned to keep my mouth shut and acquiesce until it was over. Now one of my biggest fears is conflict. Avoid conflict at all costs. Back to denying feelings - teen years and being a girl do a number on you. My teen years were pretty normal, I was shy and awkward, I had a manipulative best friend, and I lived on Diet Coke, Doritos and Dexatrim but the last two years of high school did get better. New friends. Found punk music. Point is, when bad things happened I didn't want people to know how much I was hurting so I practiced not dealing with it. It was still inside but I actually practiced making my face completely flat, no expression. Flat affect, flat voice was the look I was going far. How to be a sociopath lesson one! I did that for too many years. Sometimes now I think I did it for so long that I can't get the normal me back. What is the normal me? How do you have real feelings without letting them overwhelm you? If I don't even know myself what does that mean? I have to find myself. Maybe I am just me and I don't need to search.

I got the be the caretaker when I was in high school. I took care of my friends. I was always the one people could talk to, the one they could come to if they needed something. But I didn't have someone to take care of me. So I take care of myself. To this day I don't know how to ask for help. I've lived in Portland eight years. I have gone to the hospital seven times. Other than getting a ride there from a roommate who needed to get right home because she had to work the next day I have taken myself. I only called friends to pick me up this last time because something snapped and I stopped being able to deal.
1. I was in Clackamas, it had taken me 2 hours and 3 buses to get there after the doctor told me to check myself into the emergency room for a blood clot. When they had sent me home from the closer ER the night before.
2. I had been there all day. Alone. and hungry.
3. I got send back and forth because someone didn't give me the right something and I need to go back and tell them to give me the right whatever.
4. I had to go learn how to give myself shots.
So I started to cry. In the middle of the hospital. When I get really upset it's not pretty. Not just some quiet tears sliding down. No, it's a scrunched up red (redder than usual) face, snotty snorking noises and I can barely breathe (which was not helped by the blood clot in my lung that wasn't letting me get enough oxygen in the first place). I decided to call someone for a ride home.

Part of why I didn't want to call was because it was so far away. The first friend I called has known me since high school. She knew that I would only call in an emergency, alas she was in Idaho and was at the hospital because they had just been in a car accident. But then I remembered that one friend lived out there. Of course I didn't have her number. So I called another friend to ask for it. After a short conversation, that friend drove all the way from close in Portland to Clackamas to pick me up. By the time they get there, I'm calm and collected. No big emergency. Not have I only calmed down but the guy in the clinic who taught me how to give myself shots gave me orange juice actually cheered me up (making fun of the video I had to watch helped). So I felt ridiculous for getting them all the way up there.

Like I said, I love my mom, but she wasn't there a lot for us when my brother and I were growing up. She made sure we had a house, and food, and clothes, and toys, and what we needed. But she was always at work. We had nannies sometimes, baby-sitters sometimes. But for most of it my brother and I took care of ourselves. We got ourselves up and ready for school, had breakfast and watched tv until it was time to leave. We knew we had to leave when a certain cartoon was over. We came home from school and had a snack and watched tv or whatever until my mom got home work. That was usually 7. I remember doing that in 3rd grade (Chris was in 1st), when we lived in Minetto. She got married for a few years (the step-father) and things changed. But then in our teen years, 14/15 for me it started again. Not only was my mom working a lot but she was usually traveling for work. Wisconsin, Arizona, Montana, California. My brother and I got used to taking care of ourselves. We never did learn how to take care of each other. (Believe me that's a whole 'nother post.) We got away with a lot. No curfew, parties, unlimited freedom. When she'd come home we'd fight, all of a sudden we had rules and someone wondering what we were doing. I learned to take care of myself. I learned that I was the one who was going to be there no matter what. I was the one I could rely on. Yeah, I've got trust issues. Trust with the big stuff and trust with who I am, what I need. I'll probably be lonely until I learn to trust.

Maybe alone, but not always lonely. I have my days. I'm not unhappy with my current situation. I like knitting and watching tv and playing with my cat. I wish that I would work out more (at all), cook better, take more pictures and write more. I don't need a relationship to do that. I just need to get off my (ever-widening) ass and do it. Sure, a relationship could enhance my life but I want to deal with my issues first and be happy in myself and find what I need for me. Can I do that without having someone in my life to learn how to trust and how to be with? My brain is all filled with circular logic all the time. It's like little gerbils on their wheels just running away. Stupid skinny gerbils.

I started this at 4 yesterday afternoon and I've been coming back to it every so often. Now it's 1:32 in the morning and I should sleep. On the upside the library is closed tomorrow for a snow day.

Ok, so maybe I should still be in therapy.

or I Have a Temper that Scares People...

Nothing.

Absolutely NOTHING is worth tRampling someone to death. Shoppers at Wal-Mart actually trampled a man to death. TO SHOP. I know I have some temper issues and probably a rage problem but I want to hit someone. Some people deserved to be punched. I'd like to offer. I'll admit it people irritate me, but something like this only serves to reinforce the fact that some people are too stupid to live.

Seriously, what was so goddamned important that you had to break down the fucking doors and step on someone to buy. To buy at Wal-Mart.

ARRRRGGGHH. My head wants to pop off. I like to shop, I do. I don't know if it's a stress relief or a compulsion and something screwed up inside me. Buying makes me feel better. Having makes me feel good.

BUT THERE IS NOTHING IN THE WHOLE FREAKING WIDE WORLD THAT I NEED OR WANT ENOUGH TO KILL FOR. You kill to protect your children. You kill for some misguided belief about making the world a better place. You kill to keep yourself from being killed. You DO NOT kill to buy fucking electronics cheaper than yesterday.

And then Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart closes for 2 hours. 2 fucking hours to mourn the death of a co-worker. (That's not actually what they were doing - they were repairing the doors and sweeping up the glass. Oh yeah, and calling the police.) And then they opened back up for business.

Profits over people, way to go! Wal-Mart tends to get lambasted for the pro-business, anti-worker stance they operate under. But even this is beyond the acceptable.

I'd like to dig up Sam Walton just so I can punch him in the face. I'd like to slam Hank Mullany's head into the ground for the exact amount of time it took from the time the doors exploded in until emergency workers got to Mr. Jdimytai Damour. "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the deceased," Wal-Mart Senior Vice President Hank Mullany said in the statement. "We are continuing to work closely with local law enforcement, and we are reaching out to those involved." Moron.

Seven paragraphs down is the first time I mentioned the victims name. Once I actually typed his name that started to bother me; that it took seven paragraphs to individualize him. Does it matter who he was? Yes. I am not trying to lessen that. The fact that it happened at all is what enrages me.

The fact that "Black Friday" makes people act totally crazy blows me away. I don't understand it. Nothing is cheap enough to get me out of bed at 5 a.m. What was cheap enough that you would murder for?

Well, like I said, on the upside it wasn't a heart attack.

It was, actually is, a pulmonary embolism. I have a blood clot in my lung.

I spent 5 hours Kaiser for the trouble breathing and the pain. After drawing blood and testing positive for a clot "or something," after the chest x-ray and the IV installation (which involved a not small amount of my blood spattered on the floor, after the iodine infusion through the IV and the CT scan of my chest the doctor tells me he's not sure what's going on, I may have a virus. I do have fluid in my lungs but they don't know why. He sends me home with a "breathing treatment." Basically an inhaler full of Albuterol and a tube to suck it through. They gave me some at the Emergicenter which cause shakes like speed freak. Of course that's when they decide to put the IV in. Seriously people.

So I go to work the next morning and hear my phone beep but don't think much about it because I've got a lot to do. At noon I decide to call my doctor to make a follow-up appointment and ask him some questions about it. Instead there is a message from a Dr. Snyder telling to me to call him ASAP. So I call and he basically tells me that I do have a clot and I need to check myself into the Sunnyside Emergency Room. Sunnyside is in Clackamas. I work in downtown Portland. I do not have a car. So I get on the bus and then another bus and then a third. Almost 2 hours later, I'm at Sunnyside. Then I have to find the Emergency Room. So far not treating this as so much of an emergency...hey, they sent me home. Finally find it, they check me in, take my vitals, put stickies all over me to keep track of my vitals. The doctor comes to talk to me, before he's even taken a look at my chart. He goes to check the chart and the big Russian orderly comes to stick more stickies on my chest so he can run an EKG. He's nice and he probably thinks I'm embarrassed or something but really I've got my eyes closed because I'm tired now I'm starting to wonder what's going on. Basically I hear everything I need to know by listening to the conversations happening OUTSIDE my room.

Upshot. I had (have?) a clot. I am on blood thinners (warfarin). I got to give myself shots in the belly for at 9 days and I'll be on pills for 3-6 months. Not only that but I will need constant check-ups and blood work to make sure that I'm not clotting too much or too little. I need to watch the amount of green leafy vegetables I eat (so I don't get too much Vitamin K), I can't take Advil, Ibuprofen, Aleve or Asprin. I can take Acetaminophen. That's it. If I have any pain in my chest or elsewhere and if I have any trouble breathing I am to call 911.

This all happened back in August. This is the first time I've had the energy to write about it. Everything is almost back to normal. Well, as normal as my life gets. I should only have less than a month left on the pills. Since I have no other risk factors the clot was most likely caused by birth control pills. Apparently it's only a big worry if you smoke or have other risk factors, I'm just special. Oh well. I got a big lecture on birth control methods from the ER nurse. Seriously, was that the best time to have that conversation?

I still can't have any leafy greens or broccoli but that should only be until I go off the pills. Except for a few missteps (and one week when I couldn't get my energy up or over the feeling that I was getting sick) I have been following the vegan diet. It's a little more difficult if you don't like tofu and aren't totally sure about tempeh or seitan, but I eat a lot of rice and beans. The only problems have been finding out that Voodoo Donuts makes really good vegan donuts and there are a lot of bad foods that are vegan (Oreos) but still not healthy. Plus vegan treats seem much sweeter than their non-vegan counterparts. It's probably the substitute of banana or applesauce for eggs. Cakes are a little more crumbly than I prefer so I have been doing a lot of baking. I did buy a food processor and I make a kick-ass black bean soup. It's good with fritos or rice.

I have now accidentally deleted this post three times. It's not totally finished but if I delete it one more time my head might explode. My house is already a mess, I'm not in the mood to pick up brain matter.

On the upside I'm not having a heart attack. I pulled a muscle somewhere in my shoulder/chest region from carrying too much in my bag. Then I laid the wrong way while watching tv. This morning I woke up in pain and unable to breathe well. I'm breathing shallowly and when I try to take a deep breath I gasp with pain and everything tightens. I've taken a bunch of ibuprophen and it's feeling better. Well, I don't feel like I'm dying anymore. I have tried and tried to carry less around with me but it never works. I end up buying something heavy or I carry a bunch of books home from work (which then need to be carried back to work later).

Why some people talk to much: I go by Elephants to get lunch and as I'm paying the kid ringing me up starts talking.
*Backstory - I have a lightning bolt tattoo on my arm. I like lightning, I love thunderstorms with great light shows. I like the power of lightning. Pictures of it are really cool.*
The kid say: " So I watching this show on the History channel about prison tattoos and in prison a lightning bolt is a symbol the Aryan Brotherhood uses to denote if they've killed someone and if you come into prison with a lightning bolt tat they will research you to find if you've been prison before and if you've actually killed someone and if they find out that you haven't killed someone they'll remove the tattoo from you. So I was thinking of all the things prisoners that could get a hold of that they could use to remove tattoos, like vegetable peelers and such."
He stops talking finally.
I just stared at him.

What exactly was I supposed to say to that? I so wanted to reassure him that I wasn't part of the Aryan Brotherhood but then I realized I didn't have to defend myself to him. So I just stared at him. Then I left.

This happened yesterday I can't stop thinking about it. The worst part is that I don't know what to think so I just keep hearing him talk in my head. I think it's going to make me crazy. Crazier.

Seriously. Crazy. Am I crazy or is he? While the knowledge was interesting in a file-away-creepy-facts sort of way, is that really something one says to a customer?

Seashell from Lake Erie. I didn't take any pictures of the the green furry stuff or dead fish so it's not the actual Lake Erie experience, but it's close enough.

That's all I have to say today.

I apparently don't know what day it is. The last two entries had the wrong dates.
My cousin Joseph:

In my family we seem to have this phenomenon of "oops" babies. My aunt had her third when her two oldest were 12 and 16. There are 4 older cousins (ages 32, 31, 30, 29) and four younger ages (18, 16, 14, and 14) and then the baby Joseph. My mom's best friend had her third when her two oldest we 14 and 16. My youngest sister is 7 years younger than my youngest brother. But out of my Dad's kids the oldest will 40 in April and the youngest will be 15. All of this with 3 different wives (not at the same time!). That comment only seems odd until you read lower. We're currently 39(1st wife), 31 (me!) & 29 (second wife), 22, 20, and 14 (third wife).

I have this sick fascination with a show called "The Girls Next Door." Now, I know that my taste in TV tends to run to the sick, sad and wrong. Not only have I watched the show where Tommy Lee from Motley Crue goes to college, but I actually watched the first episode of the new Pamela Anderson reality show. Seriously now. Anyways, back to TGND, this is a show about the THREE girlfriends of Hugh Hefner. Odd fact - two of his THREE girlfriends were born in Oregon. One of his girlfriends has two Masters Degrees. He has one MAIN girlfriend and, what?, two extras? I have no idea why I can't stop watching this show. It's sick and wrong and I can't turn away. The main girlfriend keeps dropping hints about wanting kids and it getting to be time... You're dating Hugh Hefner and you think he's the best person to have kids with? Come on, now! It's like a train wreck, I can't look away!

There are a few things I can always picture from Monroe (where I was born). The river, the bandshell, Danny's Custard & Independent Dairy (yeah, I'm giving up ice cream, sure), and the house my grandmother used to own that's haunted. One of those things in the Custer Statue:

I don't know much about history but I know Custer has something to do with Monroe (nee Frenchtown) Michigan.

My stepmom has this little statue in her backyard:


I took this when we went to Michigan in June. When my computer died. While I have less than no desire to move back to Monroe I do love the Summer weather. The day I left it was 92 with 100% humidity. I was in heaven. Stepmom was less than happy when I started her day with this information.

I am sitting in front of my lovely new computer basking in the glow. Who knew a piece of machinery could make me so happy. Who knew a piece of machinery was so freakin' heavy? Because I got a fantastic deal I also got a printer,


iPod touch,


Photoshop Elements


and Apple Care.


I carried everything home except the actual computer (which is all in the monitor (besides the keyboard, mouse and remote. Remote?)).


That was heavy enough. I left the computer and my old laptop there so the could move all the data from the laptop to the new iMac (which is free when you buy a computer). I got a call three hours later, they give you an estimate of 24-48 hrs but they actually got it done in 3! I know how busy it was there today, like a madhouse. So I go back and drag them home. I have two split places on my fingers from carrying heavy handles. It was totally worth it.
I feel like a total rockstar. The iPhoto organization is slightly different but I still love it. I just looked at all the most recent pictures I've taken. Angela, Laural and I drove to Newport for a work conference and we stopped by the aquarium. I've never been there before. It was AMAZING! I was totally awed by it. Super cool. I just have one question...what the hell is a jellyfish? It's not really a fish is it? Does it have eyes? A brain. I think it has a nervous system in all those little veiny sorts of things but really, what is i?

As soon as I get a little more time I'll start posting pictures. My poor cat is being neglected. Maybe I could teach her to use to computer? Ha, I can't even teach her to not try to eat †he fish, or to not tear the screens in the windows, or not use her claws when playing or kneading my flesh.

*Edit* Holy wall of text Batman! I just added space to make it more vision and read friendly...

Lots of things changing in my life.

I am buying a new computer tomorrow! I am thrilled about this. A few years ago my brother gave me a laptop that he wasn't using anymore. I've ever been good with money or technology, so I couldn't save up the money and I wouldn't have had any idea what to look for or buy. Once he gave me the laptop I fell in love with it. It was a Mac, it was idiot proof and it was easy and intuitive. I loved it. Then it up and died.

In between getting the laptop and it dying I have gotten heavily into photography. I was loving iPhoto and I was loading photos on flickr and printing them out and framing them. On Memorial Day I wandered around with some friends and took tons of pictures. Since I was leaving town for a week in early June I didn't have much time to look at them and edit. I did some on the airplane but during my layover in Denver the computer wouldn't turn on. Well, it turned on and gave me some sort of freaky color show. After a week in Michigan my brother took a look at it. Turns out it was broken, completely. It would turn on apparently but it wouldn't work. He's been working on recovering the photos.

Of 2500 photos, how many did I have backed up? That's right, none! Before I left for Michigan I bought an external hard drive and copied my iTunes onto it. Why not the photos? Because I'm not that smart. I wanted the photos, I didn't care as much about the music. Believe me, I'd lose all the music on the exto to get those photos back. The funny part? My brother gave me another laptop to use (not a Mac) and I can't use the exto with it. This is my life.

Moving on with the story. I have still been taking pictures but the programs are all different and I'm having a really hard time making adjustments. When I think too much about it I get really upset, I haven't even been wanting to take pictures. It's frustrating. It's taken this thing that I was falling in love with and made it sad for me. I don't think that having a Mac with completely make it all okay but on top of everything I can't focus on learning a new system. I know how iPhoto works, I know Mac will organize my photos, and I won't run into the same problems I have been having with the Compac. So, tomorrow I have an appointment to hang out with a Apple person and pick out my new system. Yay!

This brings up the credit card. Like I've said I have never been good with money. When I went to college at 18 I got two credit cards. Not because I needed them, not because I knew anything about credit, but because there were people in campus who talked me into signing up. Could I have said no? Yea, but I didn't understand credit and debt issues. Then I screwed it all up and spent most of my twenties with bad credit and fixing it. Now I'm 31 and I finally have good credit. I haven't had a credit card for years. I've been living paycheck to paycheck on a cash only basis (no credit, but debit cards). But now my credit is good (so good the woman at the bank keeps trying to sign me up for home buying classes). So I've got a credit card and I'm getting a computer. It's a little overwhelming that I'm giving myself more debt but I tell myself a few things:
1.I am not my past. I am 31 years old, I can do this the right way.
2.I have figured out my monthly payments and how much interest will add and how long it will add on.
3.I have a portion of my paychecks put into a separate account that is only for bills so that I always have enough for bills. What is left over it what I use for food, fun and prescriptions.
4.In the past three months I have gotten a 3.8% cost of living increase and a 7% lead worker promotion increase that is good to 30 hours a week as long as I am a Lead Worker.
5.I am decreasing my student loan payment by $25 because I can. I am actually so far ahead in my student loan payments that I don't HAVE to make a payment until July 2009. Because it is electronic payments I don't think about it, I have been paying more because any amount over the required goes to the principal instead of the interest.
So I think I'll be okay.

The next big change...in two weeks I am trying a Vegan diet. Not diet like Atkins, South Beach, Cabbage and Tea but not eating animal products. It's not out of concern for animals, really way to sound shallow there. I finally found shoes that are good for my feet and guess what? They're leather. They're also spendy and not exactly sexy but man wearing shoes that are good for your feet make a lot of difference! I have low arches and I overpronate (my feet sink in) which causes my ankles to hurt and standing in cheap shoes causes the bottoms of my feet to hurt. Whenever I work out, on the elliptical or walking a good distance three of my toes go numb. I don't think that's supposed to happen.

Anyways, back to the vegan thing. I have food issues. Hell, to use a cliché, I've got whole subscriptions. I will eat anything put in front of me, I will eat until the food is gone, I will eat even if I'm not hungry because it looks good, or it's in front of me or someone said cake and it's now all I can think about. I will be in a store and see donuts. I don't need donuts. I'm not hungry. I have already eaten. Whatever. All of a sudden I am in front of the donut display case and I've got one in my hand. It's like my brain turned off until I had the donut and then it turns back on in just enough time for me to feel crappy about myself because I can't even control what I eat. Somehow I'm not smart enough to avoid this. Or I'm not strong enough to have control over my body, my food choices, my own willpower. Then I feel guilty or depressed or something that is only lessened by ice cream or cake or a 1,000 taco salad from Taco Del Mar. Seriously.

So, I've been reading books about uncontrollable eating, about overeating, and about losing weight (the Biggest Loser Fitness Program). The most recent one is about food addictions. The most interesting part so far is that chocolate creates a spike in the pleasure center of your brain in the same way the heroin does. Obviously not as strong but that spike is what causes the body to crave more heroin and become addicted. This also happens with cheese and meat. The author lays out the issues with fat and cholesterol and fiber in the general diet of Americans and the health concerns of eating animal products.

Previously I have read “Mindless Eating” which makes total sense and made me less guilty about my eating habits and issues. Since then I have been trying to be more aware of not just what I eat but the actual size. Our food service industry has completely confused us in terms of serving size. What is served at a restaurant is usually 2-3 times the actual serving size. Even knowing this I still have times where I will eat whatever is there. It has gotten better but I'm not yet in a stable place. Do I know if this will be successful? Maybe not. But for 4 weeks I am going to give it my best attempt. I'm not going to be righteous about this but I need to do it for me. I need to see if it can work. Maybe by making a drastic decision and starting over I can make this change that so far has been eluding me.

I've actually read books about OCD and addictive personalities because I haven't been able to get a hold on this. One reason I could see this working? A few years ago I thought I had an allergy to something. I had to completely change my diet – no wheat, no dairy, no corn, no fish,...blah blah blah. Turns out I just needed a weeks worth of antibiotics (which I found out after 6 months...6 WHOLE MONTHS!). In that six months however, I lost 50 lbs. At the time that was ¼ of my total body weight. Since I have found out that I don't have a food allergy I have been slowly putting that weight back on and so far I haven't managed to stop myself. I'm tired of feeling bad because I don't have the willpower. I'm tired of feeling tired all the time. I'm tired of being overweight and unhappy. I know that losing weight won't make the miraculous change to being happy but I do think that I will feel better when I'm in better shape. When my joints don't hurt, when I'm not exhausted from walking up a few flights of stairs, when I don't choose the Max instead of walking home because my legs hurt from holding up my weight all day.

Is being vegan going to make me healthy? Only if I eat healthy. I could gorge on vegan treats and junk food and be right back where I started but I see it as a diet of whole grains, fruits, vegetables, proteins like beans (I'm sorry, I dislike tofu chunks, there is something wrong about the texture and the taste) and not relying on cheese and meat to give me that protein burst.

http://www.unshelved.com/archive.aspx?strip=20080728

I love this. Partly because we are downtown and idiot parents think leaving their child alone in the Childrens room is fine. Sure, it's on the first floor, we don't have laws keeping sex offenders out of libraries and downtown is where the most people with mental health issues tend to hang out - by all means let your most precious alone.

It's not my day to babysit.